Toy Car HDR

Toy Car HDR, a photo by russel_samson on Flickr.

Just Not That Into... Me?

so i just finished watching "he's just not that into you".  i know, it looks like a total chick flick, but i think it's more than that.   i think there are views from both the female cast, and the male cast, that are both equally important.  i really liked justin long and ginnifer goodwin's characters' storyline in particular.  at first, i saw a lot of myself, mannerisms and hopelessness, in the character of gigi.  i know, it's a female character, but it was her hopeless romantic view points that i identified with.

when i was younger, i was as hopeless as hopeless romantics get.  i pined away, girl after girl, hoping someday i would be lucky enough that one of them would return my affection, that they would reciprocate the love i had for them.  eventually, i found someone who did.  i found someone who i thought i could spend the rest of my life with.  and it was special.  and i thought she was "the exception".  turns out, i was just "the rule".  and much like jennifer connelly and bradley cooper's storyline, their love faded, and so did ours.  not so much on my side of the story, but more on her part.  there's a line at the end of the movie that i take to heart, whenever i feel like giving up.

"...maybe this happy ending doesn't include a wonderful [girl].  maybe it's you. on your own.  picking up the pieces and starting over.  freeing yourself up for something better in the future.  maybe the happy ending is just... moving on."

after hearing it, something finally clicked in my head.  something finally happened in my heart, and changed the bitterness and resentment to understanding and acceptance.  i have no doubt that she will be succesful and happy.  I see now, that maybe she wouldn't have those things if i were still in the picture.  this is not to say that i am not deserving of that happiness also.  or that i was not worthy, or good enough to be happy with her.  but i see now that maybe her path and my path in life were just too far apart.  that maybe our paths were never meant to intertwine, hoping one day to become one solid road.

but does that mean i'm going to give up?  shut myself out and push away people, or someone, that i might end up happy with?  as much as i liked justin long's character in this movie, i dont want to be that jaded guy.  i dont want to realize that i've been living behind a wall.  i dont want to have to wait to drive to someone's door in the middle of the night just to return a pen.  i want to know exactlty when it happens, when it does happen.  i want to be like i was before.  when i was younger and romantic.  before the heartache and pain.  we are capable of giving so much love.  i thought maybe i had nothing left.  but i know i still have something to give from within this heart broken heart.  if i didn't have anything left, then it wouldn't have hurt so much.  so maybe.  just maybe.  one day i hope i can look back at the rest of the line from the movie and know that i've found it.

"...or maybe the happy ending is this.  knowing that through all the unreturned phone calls and broken hearts. through all the blunders and misread signals.  through all of the pain and the embarrassment.  you never ever gave up hope."

so i have to promise this to myself, and only to myself.  i will not ever, ever give up hope.

goodnight.

An empty feeling

I keep waiting for something to happen. I keep looking for a sign. Anything to help me feel like my decision to walk away from her was the right one. I have to keep reminding myself that she was the one that walked on me first. She decided she didn't want to come back to our relationship. Eight weeks into her training she realized something, something I will probably never know, but she realized that I wasn't worth coming back too. That I wasn't worth loving anymore. Whether it was something else, or someone else, she decided that she didn't love me anymore. She told me that I shouldn't wait for her. She was on supposedto be in training for twelve weeks. She couldn't even make it through those weeks before she realized she didn't care for me anymore. What am supposed to do. How do you react to something like that. How do you accept the fact that the person you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with no longer wants to be with you. I keep telling myself that I did the right thing by walking away. She's hurt me so much already. She's always the one breaking things off. But like a fool I always take her back. This time, I don't think she's coming back. Even if I were to wait, I don't think I will ever hear from her again. She's made up her mind. I have to accept that she no longer feels the same way as she did. I have to realize that I was not at fault. She was the one that walked out on me. She was the one that couldn't keep her promise. She couldn't stay commuted to me. She fell out of live with me. Again. She purposely broke my heart. Again. She willingly hurt me. Again. This has to be the last time. Ask yourself, would you want to be with someone who's hurt you over and over in he past? Would you trust someone who's left you time and time again? I don't think anyone would say yes. I think it's time I stood up for myself. Everyone deserves to be happy. For all the happy times we had together, all the bad times over shadow it. Maybe you will never believe that I could find someone better than you. But I'm already a step ahead. Because I will never let you hurt me again. I will never let you break my heart again. I know somewhere out there someone is waiting for me. Someone who will love me more than you could. I can't be angry. I have I accept that I wasn't the person for you. I just wish you went about letting me know that in a different, more kind and respectful way. After everything I did for you, I think that was the least that I deserved. But because you handled things the way you did, immature and disrespectul, than I have no other choice than to just walk away from everything we had. No, I will not think fondly on the time we shared. I will only think of how I regret wasting your time.

Easter Card

Here's the card Jasmine sent for Easter.

Postcard

Here's the postcard of the Newport Bridge.

Postcard and Easter card

These are possibly the last postcard and easter cards i will ever get from jasmine. She ended it today. Yes, she ended it again. She couldn't even make it through 12 weeks of officer training before she completely changed and realized i wasnt was she wanted to come back to. I think this time is the last time. She said, "dont wait for me" and "its over". She decided she didnt love me anymore. After all this time, all the things we had planner together, she just gives up. I guess she sees a better life for herself in the navy, without me.

Twilight

So I've fallen crazy in love with Kristin Stewart. Not because of Twilight, but because of Adventureland. I highly recommend this movie!